It's another slow day at the office. I just had lunch in the pantry amidst incessant partner talk. I'm trying my best to keep a low profile, i.e. to remain basically inconspicuous, as to both wardrobe and demeanor... I wonder if I'll get accepted here (or anywhere else, for that matter) after law school... Anyway, it's not like I want to work already. It's so different from law school. At least in law school, I can fuck up a recit and survive, get over it with a beer or two (or a really long jog). At work, I don't think people are allowed to fuck up. You have to be on your toes all the time. These are real finances and real people they deal with. Fuck one up, you're out. Or you at least get a reputation for being the one who fucked up. Gawd!
Anyway, the new lawyers take their oath today. Roll signing is a couple of days after the oath, I think. And that reminds me, WE'RE TAKING THE BAR NEXT YEAR!!! Holy crap. Hell fire and brimstone. I'm so not ready. For the life of me, I can't seem to remember what evil twist of fate made me decide to go law school. All I wanted was to write. But then again, writers, most of them, anyway, end up homeless and hungry, neither of which I want to be. All my idealism seems to have vanished into thin air. Law school sucked it all out. All it's done so far is to mar my perfect picture of the future with blotches of inadequacy. I don't think I've ever felt so goddamned stupid in my entire life. Well, at least now I know I don't know anything. That's a good thing, I think. No delusions of grandeur here. Not that I ever had any. I never had a superiority complex or whatnot. I just knew I was above average. Above average here meaning in comparison with the rest of the population, not my contemporaries in law school or all the others seeking a slot in the legal profession. I can't see how a UP Law education and/or degree gives me an edge of some sort. By the way, that statement is not supposed to reflect what I think of the College as an institution. It's really more of how I rate myself as a "law student", whatever THAT is.
So here I go again, wandering about, trying not to step on anybody's toes, lest I lose one employment opportunity. The whole being nice to everybody thing is exhausting. I mean, I'm basically a nice person. I'm just not used to consciously forcing myself to be nice. I can be such a snob, see. I can do smalltalk, but I choose the people I associate with. Who ever said I had to be friends with everybody? I like people who are genuinely nice but are honest enough to show their evil side (e.g. Chi, Nico, Sands, et.al., my fellow interns (Haha! What a term!) Cara, Kaye and Jelo, etcetera etcetera), but I thorougly despise people who obviously have so much angst that they end up hating everybody.
Hah. And thus the plot thickens.
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