I find it oddly disconcerting when I find myself clueless about something that everyone knows or can do. I never really learned to ride a bike. I tried, but I kept on falling off and scraping my knee I gave up on it. I also never really learned to skate, because I kept on falling on my butt that I gave up on that too. I did learn to swim, and I did so pretty well until late high school, but much to my horror, in college, I all of a sudden started panicking everytime my head was underwater. Now I know psychologists will have a field day with this, psychoanalyzing and all. I just take it as it is. I know I missed many things that regular kids take for granted while I was growing up. While everyone else had a tailor-made childhood, I had to make one up for myself. I used to blame my dad for the not too well-planned map of my childhood and adolescent years, but I know now that he did the best he could given his own resources, his nature, and his upbringing.
See, my mom died when I was very young, and I missed out on all those mother-daughter moments. It was from home ec class that I learned about what to do when I got my period, how to set a table, how to iron clothes, wash dishes and all those domestic things. I had to seek out my peers for support when I started to see boys in an entirely different light. I never got to ask my mom what books or what music she liked. (I just knew she had an Archie, Nancy Drew and Casper collection when she was younger.) I was to busy being a kid to really get to know her as a person. And I'm well-adjusted enough to know that it never would have been possible to have it any other way. Any other way would have just been wrong. And so after my mom died, I had to figure things by myself.
Of all those things I never got to do with my mom though, one of the things I regret most is that I never got to watch old movies or read the classics with her. There have been so many literary classics and old movie references over the years that I never really learned were such until I willed myself to catch up with the rest of the world. My dad wasn't really into all of that stuff, not that I hold that against him. That's just how he is. So anyway, I tried to figure out what I should have watched, what I should have read, and I willed myself to learn. At this point, I think I've come to the point of substantial compliance in that aspect. But I'd still really want to learn all those other things I missed out on. AND play the piano, the cello or the violin. And travel. And a lot of other things.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Rant for the day
I take it personally when people remember me only when they need something from me. I take even more offense when the person/s involved happen to be related to me. It is frankly very disappointing when in the midst of asking me for a favor, and not a very legal one at that, I somehow find myself at the receiving end of a not-so-thinly-nor-well-veiled hint that I should be responsible somehow for certain individuals, and that I am somehow remiss in such imaginary duties. While it may admittedly be selfish of me, distancing myself from a very unstable little miasma, a seemingly incessant cacophony, I have found it preferable, and yes, even necessary, for my emotional and psychological health.
Simply put, certain people were driving me insane, and I decided to take a step back from the whole thing. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
In my defense, I HAVE tried to be a responsible little underling. Long story short, it didn't work.
For a long time, in blatant defiance of my better judgment, I sacrificed all the resources I had--time, money, my emotional and psychological health...I even in effect put my career on the line--trying to be the definition of a responsible member of the family. I felt compelled to do so, and though my wallet, my bank account and my body told me it wasn't feasible, I persevered when the people who should have been there were not. I finally came to the end of my hyper-extended rope when I had to bite my tongue, literally, and stick my head in the toilet (not literally), to NOT lash back in response to a long litany of allegations grounded on something I maintain I did not do. I convinced myself it was beneath me to descend to that level. I may as well be disbarred for all the indignity that would have required me to channel. At that point, I had to put my foot down. Frankly, I just couldn't take it anymore. I just would not have been able to live with myself if I had allowed myself to be treated that way. And I have been infinitely happier and more content with my life since then.
Until today. Until that phone call.
I don't know why it even bothers me in the least bit. I've been anticipating the backlash for a while.
Oh well. Whatever. I guess the most important part is that the people who matter understand why I do what I do, and why I refuse to do what I have not done. I don't think I need to explain or to defend myself to anybody.
Maintaining a relationship is a two-way street. I don't see why everyone seems to be blaming me. I am not anybody's keeper. I know I'm more emotionally stable than certain people I refer to, but it doesn't mean I have to bear more than my fair share of the responsibility pie. I also do not get why I sometimes sense that this subject begrudges me whatever I have accomplished in my life thusfar (which, by the way, is not much). All of this was not handed to me on a silver platter. Au contraire. I worked very hard to get where I am (which, again, seriously, is not anything to be envious of). I really just don't get it what I'm being berated for. Or maybe I do. And now I finally understand what my place is exactly. And how people see me.
And this, my friends, is precisely why the phone call was a phenomenally bad idea.
Simply put, certain people were driving me insane, and I decided to take a step back from the whole thing. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
In my defense, I HAVE tried to be a responsible little underling. Long story short, it didn't work.
For a long time, in blatant defiance of my better judgment, I sacrificed all the resources I had--time, money, my emotional and psychological health...I even in effect put my career on the line--trying to be the definition of a responsible member of the family. I felt compelled to do so, and though my wallet, my bank account and my body told me it wasn't feasible, I persevered when the people who should have been there were not. I finally came to the end of my hyper-extended rope when I had to bite my tongue, literally, and stick my head in the toilet (not literally), to NOT lash back in response to a long litany of allegations grounded on something I maintain I did not do. I convinced myself it was beneath me to descend to that level. I may as well be disbarred for all the indignity that would have required me to channel. At that point, I had to put my foot down. Frankly, I just couldn't take it anymore. I just would not have been able to live with myself if I had allowed myself to be treated that way. And I have been infinitely happier and more content with my life since then.
Until today. Until that phone call.
I don't know why it even bothers me in the least bit. I've been anticipating the backlash for a while.
Oh well. Whatever. I guess the most important part is that the people who matter understand why I do what I do, and why I refuse to do what I have not done. I don't think I need to explain or to defend myself to anybody.
Maintaining a relationship is a two-way street. I don't see why everyone seems to be blaming me. I am not anybody's keeper. I know I'm more emotionally stable than certain people I refer to, but it doesn't mean I have to bear more than my fair share of the responsibility pie. I also do not get why I sometimes sense that this subject begrudges me whatever I have accomplished in my life thusfar (which, by the way, is not much). All of this was not handed to me on a silver platter. Au contraire. I worked very hard to get where I am (which, again, seriously, is not anything to be envious of). I really just don't get it what I'm being berated for. Or maybe I do. And now I finally understand what my place is exactly. And how people see me.
And this, my friends, is precisely why the phone call was a phenomenally bad idea.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Golf and beer
Well, I finally got around to starting to learn to play golf earlier today with A, C and E at the Villamor driving range. C and E brought clubs, but whoa, lo and behold, E actually bought an entire set of shiny golf clubs. Wow. Shiiiiiiiiiiiny. Purrrrty. C, on the other hand, bought golf shoes (Php8,000!!!) for today's driving range session. AND a new golf bag. AND a couple of clubs. All of this bodes well for me and A though. At least we can just mooch off of them. Details tomorrow. Have to go sleep if I intend to get up early enough to go to work tomorrow. Upping my productivity level again. I think I have sufficiently faded into the background. Teeheehee. Yeah, I think I'm just flattering myself. So nwy...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Current mood: melancholic
It's Fathers' Day today. I remembered. Dad forgot. So he cancelled on me, and I'm spending the long weekend at home resting, reading, watching dvd's I promised myself long ago that I'd finish. Good gloomy rainy weather to boot.
Given that I love long weekends, gloomy weather, staying in, reading and watching movies,one would think that I would have loved this particular weekend, but for some reason, I felt different. Maybe even sad. And I don't know why. Or maybe I do and I just refuse to acknowledge it. Which is how I deal with most problems. I simply push them aside until I absolutely HAVE to deal with them.
It would have been perfect had it not been for this one message I got on Facebook from this random relative of mine. I get so much pressure from so many people to spend time with them that sometimes I just want to pack up and disappear. I do have a life, you know. I can't just shuttle around between and among relatives just to make them all happy. I don't understand why they have to demand, in not so many words, that I do. It's just so frustrating. It's like they don't know me at all. I have this passive-aggressive thing going on, which I really can't help. When they don't demand, I go and do whatever it is. But when they start demanding and becoming clingy, I run.
Given that I love long weekends, gloomy weather, staying in, reading and watching movies,one would think that I would have loved this particular weekend, but for some reason, I felt different. Maybe even sad. And I don't know why. Or maybe I do and I just refuse to acknowledge it. Which is how I deal with most problems. I simply push them aside until I absolutely HAVE to deal with them.
It would have been perfect had it not been for this one message I got on Facebook from this random relative of mine. I get so much pressure from so many people to spend time with them that sometimes I just want to pack up and disappear. I do have a life, you know. I can't just shuttle around between and among relatives just to make them all happy. I don't understand why they have to demand, in not so many words, that I do. It's just so frustrating. It's like they don't know me at all. I have this passive-aggressive thing going on, which I really can't help. When they don't demand, I go and do whatever it is. But when they start demanding and becoming clingy, I run.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Personal day
Well, as I said, I have been trying do dial down my productivity level at work, just so I don't appear to be too competent. (Haha! Right...) I don't want to be the biba kid at work. I just want to do my job. So when I woke up late this morning, instead of just taking the morning off, I decided to skip work altogether. See I put on my Friends Season 8 dvd while I was drying my hair, and I got so engrossed in it I lost track of time. By the time I checked my watch, well, let's just say, I'd have to be begging to get fired if I'd gone to work that late. And so I ended up finishing season 8 today. I love that series. Reminds me of so many things. I remember watching it all throughout my teen years. Good thing I was never an impressionable teenager, right? Lol.
So anyway, today was great, particularly since I somehow lost half my weekend last weekend. I had dinner and (milk)tea with C and N Friday night. We went to our favorite Greek restaurant (not there are very many Greek restaurants here in Manila), Cyma, over at that new Eastwood mall. It's reasonably priced, and their food is pretty good. And Eastwood is so much less stressful than Greenbelt. Although I do miss how it was before they built all the condos and the mall and the call centers. It was so much more laid back then. There was a time when literally every single time I set foot in that area, I'd run into at least a dozen people I knew from college or from law school. Well, suffice it to say that I didn't see a single familiar face while we were there. And we were there a while. It's kinda sad, when I think about it.
On another note, I recently discovered that Serenitea has a taro-flavored concoction. Yay! A friend of mine said, in response to my good news (Well, it was good news to ME.), that it was like melted Quickly. Yes, Anna, good one. It is soooooo not. How do I know this? Because being the tamad person that I am (Bruno Mars's The Lazy Song is the song of my life. On weekends, anyway. And days like today.), I had Serenitea delivered Saturday night. AND since they had a minimum delivery amount of Php250, I had to have three large milk tea concoctions delivered. Ugh. I just had the last one today. Finally. I feel like I've been sweating milk tea. And it's not even the kind I like. Well, except for the taro one. I'm more into the milk tea they serve at the hawker stalls at Makan Sutra in Singapore. Or the one they serve at my favorite hole-in-the-wall dimsum place, Wai Ying in Binondo.
More happy news, I got to spend some time with my C, my roommate of ten years, and N, C's sister, and my roommate of two (or was it three?) years, and also a close friend of mine. We all went to N's place to watch Boston Legal and we all slept over after, while C's husband bid his sweet time at Republiq, the current flavor-of-the-month bars here. Well, one of THE MANY. (Reminds me of that ominously abandoned building that used to be Po Na Na.) It was a fun night. I don't think I've spent that much time with them since before the wedding. Good times.
Oh, and speaking of weddings, or, well, something sort of related to it, I just saw He's just not that into you on HBO, and like I tweeted, that movie is a classic example of how girls sometimes are reaaaaaaaaaaaally psycho about overanalyzing things, and guys, being the guys they are, are just plain clueless. Good movie though. I didn't know Rachel from Something Borrowed also starred in it. If you're a movie person, don't judge me. I choose the books I read, the music I listen to, and the movies I watch based on entertainment value. I don't really care for the more -ahem- "sophisticated" artiste-ey stuff that I roll my eyes at. Classic example, I once tried to read Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury when I was in law school. I decided I needed a break from jurisprudence, so I dropped by National Bookstore, and lo and behold, it was on sale. Yup, bad sign. So anyway, I covered it and curled up in bed with it. A hundred pages later, I was sound asleep. I tried to pick it up again the next day, didn't work. I ended up reading a trashy novel.
On a related topic, to the subject of weddings, I mean, not trashy novels, my other college roommate, M (actually C, but since I already used C, let's call her M), is getting married in September to this redhead lawyer guy from New York. My good friend N, who now lives and works in NYC tells me the wedding will be in Virginia. So exciting. Although a bit unsettling that of the four of us college roommates (if I don't count A, who was only our roommate until mid-sophomore year, and who , by September, I'll be the only single one. Not that I'm set on going down THAT road. Quite the opposite. Still merits a little "Huh." though. Have to find out if they're registered or something. I have to get her a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift, since I won't be able to go to the wedding. Sad, I know. Wasn't able to go to our other college roommate T's wedding too, as I was working for scraps then. This time, I can't afford to go traipsing around to the other side of the globe. I would if I could though. M is one of the nicest kindest people I know, and she really deserves every good thing that has come her way. I really couldn't be happier for her. And she looks so in love! And her fiance looks really seriously in love with her. And he looks like a good person. As he should be. She deserves it.
So anyway, gotta go chat with N and catch up. We have a love-hate relationship that one can only have with really close friends. We fight a lot, but I think that's only because we know that in spite of the harsh words, we both always mean well. We just have a really blunt way of delivering the truth. And we can both be insensitive sometimes. But that's ok, because we always end up friends after the fights anyway. And no, nothing going on there. That would be like incest or interracial (and by that I mean me and E.T.) sort of...something. And with that, I bid you good night.
P.S. I didn't bother to check this for grammar and spelling. Bear with me, kids.
So anyway, today was great, particularly since I somehow lost half my weekend last weekend. I had dinner and (milk)tea with C and N Friday night. We went to our favorite Greek restaurant (not there are very many Greek restaurants here in Manila), Cyma, over at that new Eastwood mall. It's reasonably priced, and their food is pretty good. And Eastwood is so much less stressful than Greenbelt. Although I do miss how it was before they built all the condos and the mall and the call centers. It was so much more laid back then. There was a time when literally every single time I set foot in that area, I'd run into at least a dozen people I knew from college or from law school. Well, suffice it to say that I didn't see a single familiar face while we were there. And we were there a while. It's kinda sad, when I think about it.
On another note, I recently discovered that Serenitea has a taro-flavored concoction. Yay! A friend of mine said, in response to my good news (Well, it was good news to ME.), that it was like melted Quickly. Yes, Anna, good one. It is soooooo not. How do I know this? Because being the tamad person that I am (Bruno Mars's The Lazy Song is the song of my life. On weekends, anyway. And days like today.), I had Serenitea delivered Saturday night. AND since they had a minimum delivery amount of Php250, I had to have three large milk tea concoctions delivered. Ugh. I just had the last one today. Finally. I feel like I've been sweating milk tea. And it's not even the kind I like. Well, except for the taro one. I'm more into the milk tea they serve at the hawker stalls at Makan Sutra in Singapore. Or the one they serve at my favorite hole-in-the-wall dimsum place, Wai Ying in Binondo.
More happy news, I got to spend some time with my C, my roommate of ten years, and N, C's sister, and my roommate of two (or was it three?) years, and also a close friend of mine. We all went to N's place to watch Boston Legal and we all slept over after, while C's husband bid his sweet time at Republiq, the current flavor-of-the-month bars here. Well, one of THE MANY. (Reminds me of that ominously abandoned building that used to be Po Na Na.) It was a fun night. I don't think I've spent that much time with them since before the wedding. Good times.
Oh, and speaking of weddings, or, well, something sort of related to it, I just saw He's just not that into you on HBO, and like I tweeted, that movie is a classic example of how girls sometimes are reaaaaaaaaaaaally psycho about overanalyzing things, and guys, being the guys they are, are just plain clueless. Good movie though. I didn't know Rachel from Something Borrowed also starred in it. If you're a movie person, don't judge me. I choose the books I read, the music I listen to, and the movies I watch based on entertainment value. I don't really care for the more -ahem- "sophisticated" artiste-ey stuff that I roll my eyes at. Classic example, I once tried to read Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury when I was in law school. I decided I needed a break from jurisprudence, so I dropped by National Bookstore, and lo and behold, it was on sale. Yup, bad sign. So anyway, I covered it and curled up in bed with it. A hundred pages later, I was sound asleep. I tried to pick it up again the next day, didn't work. I ended up reading a trashy novel.
On a related topic, to the subject of weddings, I mean, not trashy novels, my other college roommate, M (actually C, but since I already used C, let's call her M), is getting married in September to this redhead lawyer guy from New York. My good friend N, who now lives and works in NYC tells me the wedding will be in Virginia. So exciting. Although a bit unsettling that of the four of us college roommates (if I don't count A, who was only our roommate until mid-sophomore year, and who , by September, I'll be the only single one. Not that I'm set on going down THAT road. Quite the opposite. Still merits a little "Huh." though. Have to find out if they're registered or something. I have to get her a bridal shower gift and a wedding gift, since I won't be able to go to the wedding. Sad, I know. Wasn't able to go to our other college roommate T's wedding too, as I was working for scraps then. This time, I can't afford to go traipsing around to the other side of the globe. I would if I could though. M is one of the nicest kindest people I know, and she really deserves every good thing that has come her way. I really couldn't be happier for her. And she looks so in love! And her fiance looks really seriously in love with her. And he looks like a good person. As he should be. She deserves it.
So anyway, gotta go chat with N and catch up. We have a love-hate relationship that one can only have with really close friends. We fight a lot, but I think that's only because we know that in spite of the harsh words, we both always mean well. We just have a really blunt way of delivering the truth. And we can both be insensitive sometimes. But that's ok, because we always end up friends after the fights anyway. And no, nothing going on there. That would be like incest or interracial (and by that I mean me and E.T.) sort of...something. And with that, I bid you good night.
P.S. I didn't bother to check this for grammar and spelling. Bear with me, kids.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
One random Tuesday in the life of a -ahem- normally abnormal person (wink wink)
It has been simply scorching recently. I really can't feel that summer's over. I mean save for the occasional localized thunderstorm. It is HOOOOOOOOOOOTTT in Manila. Earlier today, my Google Desktop weather widget read 34 degrees. Yep. 34. And it already read 32 at 9am. Kill me now please. It really doesn't help that I'm trying to finish this batch of sunblock so I can get a new more tropic-friendly batch. I used to be able to use the Faceshop SPF 50 or the Neutrogena Dry-Touch ones but since I developed an allergy to the new lotion I decided to try out (that Myra E thingo---I think the scent they use is too strong. I got rashes after using Victoria's Secret lotion for two weeks straight last month. So non-doctor, non-chemist little lawyerly me thinks it's the scents.), and revert to my trusty Jergens Soothing Aloe lotion, I need a new lighter sunblock to layer on top of it. Under rays THAT harsh, trust me, even melanin-rich people like me need it. I don't want to be a shriveled old skin cancer-ey prune when I'm 50.
One last note about the heat. I don't know if it's just me, but it seriously seems to get hotter around 10pm. I generally get home between 5 and 6:30, and I usually survive with just the fan running. BUT when 10pm rolls along, it's like a warm blow dryer aimed at my back. Ewwwww. I really seriously hate the heat. I miss Baguio weather. It's always so nice and cool and crisp there. Well, the CBD smells like diesel, but the outskirts are still pretty good.
So anyway. I got two happy things in the mail today. First off, I the Mandatory Continuing Legal Education (MCLE) Office mailed me my compliance certificate. I am officially MCLE compliant for the fourth compliance period, i.e. until April 15, 2013. So yay me! =D
Second, I got the book I ordered from fullybookedonline.com. They didn't have Schindler's List the book, so I got Searching for Schindler by the same author instead. Looks pretty promising. The book wasn't in the best of shape, but it'll do. Consider it my punishment for another impulse book purchase. I promise I will refrain from book shopping until I've finished all the ones I've already bought. And yes, I say that every single time I buy a book.
Oooooh, and I just bought seasons 1 to 9 of Family Guy. I loooooooove that cartoon. I can totally relate to Stewie Griffin the murderous little tot. Hehe! Can't wait to get started on that. I have to make time for it this weekend. Although since we're having our weekly office thing in Makati, then I'm having lunch with Lorr and the girls Saturday (and I'll probably be meeting Chi for coffee after), and I plan to sleep a good chunk of Sunday away, I'll have to check where I can fit that into my lethargic schedule.
Speaking of lethargy, I've been so unbelievably efficient the past month I decided to take it down a notch today. I took a good chunk of the afternoon off to read the latest Kristan Higgins novel, My One and Only. I just finished it a few minutes ago. There really is nothing like good chick lit. A little heart pinching here, a little (but not too much) drama there, and a really refreshing style of writing = good read in my book. I love the way Kristan Higgins writes. It's so light and natural, and sooooooooooo different from those basura trashy novels, which, incidentally, I also read. I wonder when her next book will come out. Meanwhile, I'll read the rest of the Emily Giffin books. I recently finished Something Borrowed and Something Blue. I have to admit, I have a new appreciation for chick lit.
Tomorrow, I'll check if my dibidi person was able to get the ones I ordered. She wasn't able to get the movies, so I just ordered Band of Brothers (which I've already seen twice or thrice but cannot get enough of), Spartacus, and Game of Thrones.
And now it is time to turn on the AC, take a shower and turn in for the night. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it still so hoooooooooottt???
One last note about the heat. I don't know if it's just me, but it seriously seems to get hotter around 10pm. I generally get home between 5 and 6:30, and I usually survive with just the fan running. BUT when 10pm rolls along, it's like a warm blow dryer aimed at my back. Ewwwww. I really seriously hate the heat. I miss Baguio weather. It's always so nice and cool and crisp there. Well, the CBD smells like diesel, but the outskirts are still pretty good.
So anyway. I got two happy things in the mail today. First off, I the Mandatory Continuing Legal Education (MCLE) Office mailed me my compliance certificate. I am officially MCLE compliant for the fourth compliance period, i.e. until April 15, 2013. So yay me! =D
Second, I got the book I ordered from fullybookedonline.com. They didn't have Schindler's List the book, so I got Searching for Schindler by the same author instead. Looks pretty promising. The book wasn't in the best of shape, but it'll do. Consider it my punishment for another impulse book purchase. I promise I will refrain from book shopping until I've finished all the ones I've already bought. And yes, I say that every single time I buy a book.
Oooooh, and I just bought seasons 1 to 9 of Family Guy. I loooooooove that cartoon. I can totally relate to Stewie Griffin the murderous little tot. Hehe! Can't wait to get started on that. I have to make time for it this weekend. Although since we're having our weekly office thing in Makati, then I'm having lunch with Lorr and the girls Saturday (and I'll probably be meeting Chi for coffee after), and I plan to sleep a good chunk of Sunday away, I'll have to check where I can fit that into my lethargic schedule.
Speaking of lethargy, I've been so unbelievably efficient the past month I decided to take it down a notch today. I took a good chunk of the afternoon off to read the latest Kristan Higgins novel, My One and Only. I just finished it a few minutes ago. There really is nothing like good chick lit. A little heart pinching here, a little (but not too much) drama there, and a really refreshing style of writing = good read in my book. I love the way Kristan Higgins writes. It's so light and natural, and sooooooooooo different from those basura trashy novels, which, incidentally, I also read. I wonder when her next book will come out. Meanwhile, I'll read the rest of the Emily Giffin books. I recently finished Something Borrowed and Something Blue. I have to admit, I have a new appreciation for chick lit.
Tomorrow, I'll check if my dibidi person was able to get the ones I ordered. She wasn't able to get the movies, so I just ordered Band of Brothers (which I've already seen twice or thrice but cannot get enough of), Spartacus, and Game of Thrones.
And now it is time to turn on the AC, take a shower and turn in for the night. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it still so hoooooooooottt???
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Notable events this week
First, I blew a huge chunk of my disposable income this month on books. I got these:
Ilustrado (Miguel Syjuco)
The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl (Belle de Jour)
Hiroshima (John Hersey)
Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
Like Water for Chocolate (Laura Esquivel)
Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
One Hundred Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
Daughter of Fortune (Isabel Allende)
The Pacific (Hugh Ambrose)
A History of the Philippines: From Indios Bravos to Filipinos (Luis H. Francia)
The Monuments Men: Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves,and the Greatest Treasure Hunt in History (Robert M. Edsel)
Memories of My Melancholy Whores (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
Oh, and I just bought Searching for Schindler (Thomas Keneally) online. I'll probably get it early next week. No, I didn't spend as much as you think. Many of these I bought from a sidewalk vendor in front of the Court of Appeals. I know, only in Ermita will you see sidewalk vendors selling (and knowing about) Paulo Coelho, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Isabel Allende, Laura Esquivel, CS Lewis and the like. And these are books in pretty good condition. And this is me talking. My books are my babies. Yeah, I'm kinda psycho like that. =p
In any case... Pretty good variety eh? =D Some of these I've actually read before but I decided to get a copy for myself now that I can afford to. I mean, as opposed to when I was a poor peasant student surviving on a meager allowance. Besides, this is all in the interest of intellectual enrichment and doesn't really count, right? I mean, the fact that I love reading is just the cherry on top.
Second, I finally received my Cath Kidston catalog yesterday. Yay! They actually sent me one from London. I really thought it wasn't coming, but hey, good surprise guys. I really love their prints. I wish they'd open a store here in Manila, but then again, I thrive on some semblance of exclusivity, so okay, scratch that. They already sell imitation Cath Kidston bags in SM, much to my chagrin. Ugh.
Third, our nth office lunch was yummmmmmyyyyy. =D Last week, we tried Chicken Charlie along Adriatico, and Tao Yuan along that little street perpendicular to Adriatico near the Pan Pacific Hotel. Next Friday is Little Tokyo dinner night. I think the week after that is reserved for dinner at another place in Makati. Uhuh, we looooooooove to eat, and it really helps that we all get along. The lawyers, at least. I'm really going to miss those guys when I leave.
Fourth, in keeping with my current fixation, I ordered a bunch of dvd's from my friendly neighborhood dibidi person:
Band of Brothers
Schindler's List
Life is Beautiful
The Pianist
The Thin Red Line
Inglorious Basterds
Empire of the Sun
Saving Private Ryan
The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas
Anne Frank
Enemy at the Gates
Family Guy
Saturday Night Live
I'll probably get them next week. And yes, I threw in the last two to break the seriousness of the war movies. Sands, JV and I (and maybe Jingo, if he's up to it) could possibly get together for a movie marathon one of these days. Yeah, we're such nerds. Teeheehee.
Fifth, I finished another draft this week. Yay for productivity, me! =D Although there was a bit of an incident when someone deleted like three quarters of my footnotes while editing my draft because she misunderstood my boss's instructions. My draft returned to me with gigantic blanks in the footnote section. I mean, what's up with that, right? Please do not mess with my footnotes. I put a great deal of effort into making sure that I don't accidentally plagiarize material, you know.
Lastly, on a more domestic note (and this is probably too much information...you may zone out now...), I finally got around to cleaning the bathroom and changing the curtains today. I mean, my apartment is always clean by other people's standards, but I don't want to wait until it gets dirty before I clean it. I'm OC like that. =p So anyway, since I was cleaning anyway, I changed my sheets and my throw pillow shams and cleaned the whole place. By the time I was done, it was too late to go out and do anything else, so I decided to finish the last few episodes of Friends season 7 after my well-deserved shower. I really really love that show. I wish they'd do a reunion special or something.
So anyway, that's the gist of my week this really scorching week. Seriously. It was so hot and humid. To think that the local weather bureau announced the start of the rainy season LAST WEEK. Tsk tsk tsk... The sun was so fierce I actually remembered to use sunblock on my arms and legs. (I usually just remember to use sunblock on my face.) That's also why I remembered that I had to change my curtains. Since my bed is right beside my window, I literally have sunshine streaming through my window every morning. In cooler climes, I guess that would be a good thing, but man, in this city, not good this time of year. I've been consistently forced from my slumber by sunlight at 6:30am everyday this week. And I have cursed the sun everyday. Borrowing that Thought Catalog guy's phrase, Sleepy Grace has no morals.
And I have successfully shaken off most of the soul damage watching Schindler's List again has brought upon my psyche. I'm hungry.
Ilustrado (Miguel Syjuco)
The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl (Belle de Jour)
Hiroshima (John Hersey)
Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
Like Water for Chocolate (Laura Esquivel)
Love in the Time of Cholera (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
One Hundred Years of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
Daughter of Fortune (Isabel Allende)
The Pacific (Hugh Ambrose)
A History of the Philippines: From Indios Bravos to Filipinos (Luis H. Francia)
The Monuments Men: Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves,and the Greatest Treasure Hunt in History (Robert M. Edsel)
Memories of My Melancholy Whores (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
Oh, and I just bought Searching for Schindler (Thomas Keneally) online. I'll probably get it early next week. No, I didn't spend as much as you think. Many of these I bought from a sidewalk vendor in front of the Court of Appeals. I know, only in Ermita will you see sidewalk vendors selling (and knowing about) Paulo Coelho, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Isabel Allende, Laura Esquivel, CS Lewis and the like. And these are books in pretty good condition. And this is me talking. My books are my babies. Yeah, I'm kinda psycho like that. =p
In any case... Pretty good variety eh? =D Some of these I've actually read before but I decided to get a copy for myself now that I can afford to. I mean, as opposed to when I was a poor peasant student surviving on a meager allowance. Besides, this is all in the interest of intellectual enrichment and doesn't really count, right? I mean, the fact that I love reading is just the cherry on top.
Second, I finally received my Cath Kidston catalog yesterday. Yay! They actually sent me one from London. I really thought it wasn't coming, but hey, good surprise guys. I really love their prints. I wish they'd open a store here in Manila, but then again, I thrive on some semblance of exclusivity, so okay, scratch that. They already sell imitation Cath Kidston bags in SM, much to my chagrin. Ugh.
Third, our nth office lunch was yummmmmmyyyyy. =D Last week, we tried Chicken Charlie along Adriatico, and Tao Yuan along that little street perpendicular to Adriatico near the Pan Pacific Hotel. Next Friday is Little Tokyo dinner night. I think the week after that is reserved for dinner at another place in Makati. Uhuh, we looooooooove to eat, and it really helps that we all get along. The lawyers, at least. I'm really going to miss those guys when I leave.
Fourth, in keeping with my current fixation, I ordered a bunch of dvd's from my friendly neighborhood dibidi person:
Band of Brothers
Schindler's List
Life is Beautiful
The Pianist
The Thin Red Line
Inglorious Basterds
Empire of the Sun
Saving Private Ryan
The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas
Anne Frank
Enemy at the Gates
Family Guy
Saturday Night Live
I'll probably get them next week. And yes, I threw in the last two to break the seriousness of the war movies. Sands, JV and I (and maybe Jingo, if he's up to it) could possibly get together for a movie marathon one of these days. Yeah, we're such nerds. Teeheehee.
Fifth, I finished another draft this week. Yay for productivity, me! =D Although there was a bit of an incident when someone deleted like three quarters of my footnotes while editing my draft because she misunderstood my boss's instructions. My draft returned to me with gigantic blanks in the footnote section. I mean, what's up with that, right? Please do not mess with my footnotes. I put a great deal of effort into making sure that I don't accidentally plagiarize material, you know.
Lastly, on a more domestic note (and this is probably too much information...you may zone out now...), I finally got around to cleaning the bathroom and changing the curtains today. I mean, my apartment is always clean by other people's standards, but I don't want to wait until it gets dirty before I clean it. I'm OC like that. =p So anyway, since I was cleaning anyway, I changed my sheets and my throw pillow shams and cleaned the whole place. By the time I was done, it was too late to go out and do anything else, so I decided to finish the last few episodes of Friends season 7 after my well-deserved shower. I really really love that show. I wish they'd do a reunion special or something.
So anyway, that's the gist of my week this really scorching week. Seriously. It was so hot and humid. To think that the local weather bureau announced the start of the rainy season LAST WEEK. Tsk tsk tsk... The sun was so fierce I actually remembered to use sunblock on my arms and legs. (I usually just remember to use sunblock on my face.) That's also why I remembered that I had to change my curtains. Since my bed is right beside my window, I literally have sunshine streaming through my window every morning. In cooler climes, I guess that would be a good thing, but man, in this city, not good this time of year. I've been consistently forced from my slumber by sunlight at 6:30am everyday this week. And I have cursed the sun everyday. Borrowing that Thought Catalog guy's phrase, Sleepy Grace has no morals.
And I have successfully shaken off most of the soul damage watching Schindler's List again has brought upon my psyche. I'm hungry.
Monday, May 30, 2011
On war and whatnot
I'm watching more war documentaries on the Discovery Channel. This one is about Bill Genaust, the Rosenthal photo and the surrounding controversy and the Battle of Iwo Jima. The one before that was colored footage of the war in the Pacific (the Battle of Midway, Pearl Harbor, etc.). I don't know why I keep on watching this stuff when I know from experience that it never bodes well for me.
Like most people in Asia (well, probably), the only war I feel personally connected to in some way is the second world war. It's the most recent one that people I have had personal contact with have any recollection of. AND it was actually partially fought on Philippine soil.
See, I have this morbid fascination with war. And no, I don't LIKE it. I mean, aside from weapons manufacturers, who does, right? I've seen and heard about how horrific and bloody and just plain cruel war can be. My grandparents and their entire generation lived through the war, and as I'm the only one in my generation who seems to be interested in how they lived their lives prior to their having become parents to our parents, my grandmother has told me many a story on random sunny afternoons that I spent sitting across from her at the dining table while she had her afternoon coffee and cigarette.
My problem with watching war movies or documentaries is what I call the Schindler's List effect. The movie came out sometime in 1993, but I only got to watch it when I was in high school. Back then the internet was still in its infancy, and yes kids, there were no dvd'd yet. Well, at least none that I knew of. So after class, I dragged my brother to Video City (or was it ACA Video?) to rent a VHS tape of the movie. I was so excited to see it as it had caused a bit of a ruckus when it came out because of some nudity. This was the early 90's when stuff like that (and as I recall, actresses wearing one-piece bathing suits onscreen, and the song Let's Talk About Sex by Color Me Badd) merited frontpage news. But I digress. You know how sometimes you watch something, a movie, a speech, and you're somehow moved so much that there are no words to speak, but for some reason, you feel that you have to write? well, that's what the Schindler's List experience was for me.
I was aware of the Holocaust, as my mom didn't think it inappropriate to discuss with us. She taught me to read when I was 2, Chemistry and Physics when I was 5, and Hinduism and Buddhism when I was 7, so might as well teach me world history, right? So anyway, just hearing about the atrocities of the Nazis was so different from seeing it onscreen. I was so bothered by the whole thing that I cried my eyes out. I think I wrote a dramatic entry in my journal that night.
I wonder how life would've turned out if Germany HAD won in Europe and Japan had won in the Pacific. Would we all be speaking Japanese? And would the French and the British be speaking German? What would the implications had been for this country? Seriously. I really wonder.
Well, I think that's enough rambling today. I'll get back to my morbid fascination now.
Like most people in Asia (well, probably), the only war I feel personally connected to in some way is the second world war. It's the most recent one that people I have had personal contact with have any recollection of. AND it was actually partially fought on Philippine soil.
See, I have this morbid fascination with war. And no, I don't LIKE it. I mean, aside from weapons manufacturers, who does, right? I've seen and heard about how horrific and bloody and just plain cruel war can be. My grandparents and their entire generation lived through the war, and as I'm the only one in my generation who seems to be interested in how they lived their lives prior to their having become parents to our parents, my grandmother has told me many a story on random sunny afternoons that I spent sitting across from her at the dining table while she had her afternoon coffee and cigarette.
My problem with watching war movies or documentaries is what I call the Schindler's List effect. The movie came out sometime in 1993, but I only got to watch it when I was in high school. Back then the internet was still in its infancy, and yes kids, there were no dvd'd yet. Well, at least none that I knew of. So after class, I dragged my brother to Video City (or was it ACA Video?) to rent a VHS tape of the movie. I was so excited to see it as it had caused a bit of a ruckus when it came out because of some nudity. This was the early 90's when stuff like that (and as I recall, actresses wearing one-piece bathing suits onscreen, and the song Let's Talk About Sex by Color Me Badd) merited frontpage news. But I digress. You know how sometimes you watch something, a movie, a speech, and you're somehow moved so much that there are no words to speak, but for some reason, you feel that you have to write? well, that's what the Schindler's List experience was for me.
I was aware of the Holocaust, as my mom didn't think it inappropriate to discuss with us. She taught me to read when I was 2, Chemistry and Physics when I was 5, and Hinduism and Buddhism when I was 7, so might as well teach me world history, right? So anyway, just hearing about the atrocities of the Nazis was so different from seeing it onscreen. I was so bothered by the whole thing that I cried my eyes out. I think I wrote a dramatic entry in my journal that night.
I wonder how life would've turned out if Germany HAD won in Europe and Japan had won in the Pacific. Would we all be speaking Japanese? And would the French and the British be speaking German? What would the implications had been for this country? Seriously. I really wonder.
Well, I think that's enough rambling today. I'll get back to my morbid fascination now.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Hello everyone!
I just started checking the stats on this blog today, and hey, what a surprise. People actually read it. Lol. So anyway, hello everyone!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Happy Mothers' Day!
I greeted my mom friends today with this message:
"To all you brave souls with an exceptional tolerance for pain, Happy Mothers' Day!"
I didn't want to be all mushy on Twitter or on Facebook, so I'll just say this here.
Happy mothers' day Mommy. I miss you everyday. I wish you were here. When I count the years we spent together, they seem so few. I've known many of my friends for far longer than I knew you. And I never got to know you as a person. I only knew you as my mom, the smiling face that would wake me up in the morning and greet me when I got home from school. Who stayed with me at the hospital for a week when I got sick, and made me feel loved at a time when things weren't going very well for us. I know how hard you fought for us, and how hard you tried, mom, and I thank you for that.
Sometimes, I try to imagine what my life would have turned out to have been like had you been with me. Would JJ's life have turned out to have been more productive? Would you and Daddy have stayed together? Would we have been friends? Or would we have grown painfully apart as I dealt with the turbulent years of adolescence? I have tried to get to know you through the people you loved most while you were here, but I still haven't pieced together the whole picture. I wonder whether I was never meant to get to know you as a person. I disagree with Tita Susan about so many things like religion and the RH Bill (although I love her nonetheless). I wonder if we would have argued on principle about the same things. Would we have traveled together? Would we have liked the same books, and listened to the same music? Would you have disagreed with my life choices? Would you have approved of the boys I dated? Would we have exchanged harsh words as I defended my rash decisions? Would you have approved of my career choices? Would you have loathed the person I have become, or would you laud how I have managed to become independent on so many levels?
I know we weren't able to talk much those last few days before you died, and that I wasn't exactly a perfect daughter to you. I talked back on occasion. I realize now that I was being very selfish when, after having been released from the hospital, I asked you to quit your job and stay home with us, but you did it just the same.
I have so many questions I want to ask you. A million things I want to say. But I know you will never hear me. And this is the most I can do to even attempt to get this across. I only hope that what they say about the hereafter IS real. See, I haven't even made up my mind about THAT. On the off chance that it IS real, I hope I see you there, and that I find the words to tell you everything I haven't been able to say.
"To all you brave souls with an exceptional tolerance for pain, Happy Mothers' Day!"
I didn't want to be all mushy on Twitter or on Facebook, so I'll just say this here.
Happy mothers' day Mommy. I miss you everyday. I wish you were here. When I count the years we spent together, they seem so few. I've known many of my friends for far longer than I knew you. And I never got to know you as a person. I only knew you as my mom, the smiling face that would wake me up in the morning and greet me when I got home from school. Who stayed with me at the hospital for a week when I got sick, and made me feel loved at a time when things weren't going very well for us. I know how hard you fought for us, and how hard you tried, mom, and I thank you for that.
Sometimes, I try to imagine what my life would have turned out to have been like had you been with me. Would JJ's life have turned out to have been more productive? Would you and Daddy have stayed together? Would we have been friends? Or would we have grown painfully apart as I dealt with the turbulent years of adolescence? I have tried to get to know you through the people you loved most while you were here, but I still haven't pieced together the whole picture. I wonder whether I was never meant to get to know you as a person. I disagree with Tita Susan about so many things like religion and the RH Bill (although I love her nonetheless). I wonder if we would have argued on principle about the same things. Would we have traveled together? Would we have liked the same books, and listened to the same music? Would you have disagreed with my life choices? Would you have approved of the boys I dated? Would we have exchanged harsh words as I defended my rash decisions? Would you have approved of my career choices? Would you have loathed the person I have become, or would you laud how I have managed to become independent on so many levels?
I know we weren't able to talk much those last few days before you died, and that I wasn't exactly a perfect daughter to you. I talked back on occasion. I realize now that I was being very selfish when, after having been released from the hospital, I asked you to quit your job and stay home with us, but you did it just the same.
I have so many questions I want to ask you. A million things I want to say. But I know you will never hear me. And this is the most I can do to even attempt to get this across. I only hope that what they say about the hereafter IS real. See, I haven't even made up my mind about THAT. On the off chance that it IS real, I hope I see you there, and that I find the words to tell you everything I haven't been able to say.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Lesson/s from Holy Week 2011
Holy week lesson: When at home, keep your religious theories to yourself. Particularly if the oldies are of a (very) traditional religious sort who are pretty resistant to change. They will not appreciate it if you say things like you think Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by a volcanic eruption, that you don't think Jesus was born in December, that you think the bible should be read in light of the method by which the books were chosen and the effect of religious politics on such procedure, and the fact that things get lost in translation, and that you don't think the entirety of the bible should be read literally. Wapak, Grace. Wapak. Ayan, nasermonan ka tuloy. Just nod and smile dear, just nod and smile. And for the love of God, wag mo aminin na hindi mo memorized ang stations of the cross, at kailangan mo ng kodigo para sa mysteries of the rosary.
P.S. Buti na lang nagpakumpil na ako with Chi at natuwa naman sila sa akin. Otherwise, dead Grace.
P.S. Buti na lang nagpakumpil na ako with Chi at natuwa naman sila sa akin. Otherwise, dead Grace.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Saturday, February 05, 2011
I just realized...
I just realized...and this is by no means meant to be a dramatic statement...the thing with relationships is that you have to reacquaint yourself and deal with not just the bright and shiny things, but with the dark and dreary and melodramatic parts of another person's life...and I don't think I want to do that again. At least not right now. I like my life now, no frills, but no complications either. I can take off without batting an eyelash, and go anywhere I want, within my budgetary constraints, of course. And the only issues I have to deal with are my own. Hehe! So there. Back to my cold rainy weekend. =D
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Growing up
Contrary to what many members of my extended maternal family think, when I say I love the Ateneo, it is not meant to gloat or to belittle other people's academic backgrounds. What I mean to say is simply that I am very grateful for the opportunity to have studied at the Ateneo, and to have spent some of the best years of my life there. I grew up, nay, raised myself, at the Ateneo, and I will be forever grateful for having been able to do so under the auspices of the university.
As I expounded in a previous entry, college was an escape for me. When I left Lipa to go to college, it was the beginning of a new chapter for me. I was sixteen, and about to embark on a new life in the (relatively) big city, alone, sans supervision. Only two others from my high school (Sands and Jenna) went to Ateneo, most having gone to DLSU. For all intents and purposes, I had been given a proverbial tabula rasa.
My college experience was not entirely smooth sailing. There were a lot of bumps along the way. My first semester in college, there was that enormous mess of an issue with an essay I wrote for English class which the substitute teacher had published in the Philippine Star without telling me. The short of it is it was intended to be a satire on dorm life which people took the wrong way. It was really bad, but my roommates and other friends from the dorm got me through it.
Towards the end of my freshman year, I decided to shift majors from Philosophy to Legal Management, as I was uneasy about job opportunities for a Philo major after college, and I was yet unsure of our family finances being able to see me through law school.
After my sophomore year, college was in full swing, and to say it was fun would be an understatement. My roommates, my Eliazo batchmates and my blockmates and I had become really good friends by then. I had a little mishmash of a family away from all the stress back home.
Then the summer of 2001 came along, and I met this guy who I'd eventually be "in a relationship" with for a little over two years. It's part of the whole college experience, I guess. I was young, and I thought I was in love. Looking back though, I'm not sure... Out of self-respect, I refuse to expound on the whole thing, but oh boy, if I could get my hands on my 17 to 18-year-old self, I think I'd give myself a good slap. =p The short version is it was a really long and drawn out and messy affair which, looking back, shouldn't have started in the first place, as we really had nothing in common. But hey, I was young and stupid and in college. I was entitled. =p Hey, at least Daddy and Tita Susan no longer lecture on the matter every time we talk. Well fine, they still do. And Chi and Punch still chide me about it too, come to think of it. Lord, pwede ierase? Okay, I think I'll go crawl under a rock now. Anyway, things fell apart two years later when I went to law school and we both moved on to other things, me to becoming a lawyer, and him to his officemate. =p Like I said, it was messy.
Nico, Sands and I have a term for ourselves: Self-raising Children. Just add hot water. I decline to speak for them, but in my case, that couldn't be more true. Save for financial support, I was fully detached and independent from my family. Unlike Chi's parents who called practically every night and sent her care packages every week, some members of my extended family, though they claim that we're a tight-knit group, apparently see keeping in touch as a one-way street, i.e. with me being the only mobile vehicle on the road. And so my friends have become my extended family. As I learned to see things in a new light, to think and discern, and to understand, the more I failed to comprehend. And I was okay with that.
I think a close friend of mine could not have put it more succinctly when she said, it's really sad that we can no longer relate to certain members of the family on the same level. I remember my freshman year English professor, Dr. Tony Ferrer, discussed this very same concept with us during one of our classes. We read this selection from the compilation of a poor boy from the province who was besotted with a girl from one of the influential families in their province. Her family didn't approve, and the girl also looked down on him as he was poor. The smart boy he was, he was able to pursue his studies as a scholar at a prestigious university. When he graduated, he went home to pursue the girl, but found that he could not relate to her intellectually.
It's not that we intend to belittle certain members of the family, but sometimes, they can be very touchy and overly and unecessarily sensitive about certain things, and just telling them about our day somehow gets interpreted as looking down on someone. Mob mentality adds insult to injury. All I can say is first of all, I am a long shot from being rich. I get by, that's all. I try to save and to be financially responsible, but that's it. I try to help out the best I can with what little I have, but I guess sometimes people take it the wrong way. Yes, I'm also entitled to get irritated, and to get mad. I don't think it's a character flaw on my part that I clam up and keep to myself when I'm irritable, irritated or annoyed. I try my best not to let my emotions get in the way so I don't say or do things fueled by fleeting anger. That's how my mom raised me, and that's how I am. I was trained not to shout, to throw a tantrum or even to cry in public. My mom underscored the importance of keeping one's emotions in check especially when in the presence of other people, and never to exhibit signs of anger or sadness in public just to attract attention to oneself. When I was a kid, if I wasn't in the best of moods, I was told to go to my room and resurface when I no longer felt like dealing with the world like an asshole, although of course not in those words. My mom said, for instance, that if I really wanted to cry, then I should do it in the privacy of my room, and when I was done, to wash my face and come out presentable. She lived what she preached too. In the short span of time I spent with my mom, I never once saw her lose her cool in public.
All that having been said, I am blessed to have mended my relationship with my dad, and to have reconnected with Tita Susan. While I have drifted apart from certain members of the family due to fundamental differences, I have also learned to understand and to see others in a new light. There are certain things that my sixteen-year-old self could not comprehend. What I saw as character flaws when I was younger, I now recognize to be simple personal quirks, which, if I may say so, are actually kind of cute.
And that, my dear friends, is the overly abbreviated version of the adventure, the pain, the excitement, the thrill, and the challenge of my experience of growing up. And the fact that I'm still sane and able to process and comprehend all these things in my own way in spite of everything is precisely why I am thankful to the Ateneo.
As I expounded in a previous entry, college was an escape for me. When I left Lipa to go to college, it was the beginning of a new chapter for me. I was sixteen, and about to embark on a new life in the (relatively) big city, alone, sans supervision. Only two others from my high school (Sands and Jenna) went to Ateneo, most having gone to DLSU. For all intents and purposes, I had been given a proverbial tabula rasa.
My college experience was not entirely smooth sailing. There were a lot of bumps along the way. My first semester in college, there was that enormous mess of an issue with an essay I wrote for English class which the substitute teacher had published in the Philippine Star without telling me. The short of it is it was intended to be a satire on dorm life which people took the wrong way. It was really bad, but my roommates and other friends from the dorm got me through it.
Towards the end of my freshman year, I decided to shift majors from Philosophy to Legal Management, as I was uneasy about job opportunities for a Philo major after college, and I was yet unsure of our family finances being able to see me through law school.
After my sophomore year, college was in full swing, and to say it was fun would be an understatement. My roommates, my Eliazo batchmates and my blockmates and I had become really good friends by then. I had a little mishmash of a family away from all the stress back home.
Then the summer of 2001 came along, and I met this guy who I'd eventually be "in a relationship" with for a little over two years. It's part of the whole college experience, I guess. I was young, and I thought I was in love. Looking back though, I'm not sure... Out of self-respect, I refuse to expound on the whole thing, but oh boy, if I could get my hands on my 17 to 18-year-old self, I think I'd give myself a good slap. =p The short version is it was a really long and drawn out and messy affair which, looking back, shouldn't have started in the first place, as we really had nothing in common. But hey, I was young and stupid and in college. I was entitled. =p Hey, at least Daddy and Tita Susan no longer lecture on the matter every time we talk. Well fine, they still do. And Chi and Punch still chide me about it too, come to think of it. Lord, pwede ierase? Okay, I think I'll go crawl under a rock now. Anyway, things fell apart two years later when I went to law school and we both moved on to other things, me to becoming a lawyer, and him to his officemate. =p Like I said, it was messy.
Nico, Sands and I have a term for ourselves: Self-raising Children. Just add hot water. I decline to speak for them, but in my case, that couldn't be more true. Save for financial support, I was fully detached and independent from my family. Unlike Chi's parents who called practically every night and sent her care packages every week, some members of my extended family, though they claim that we're a tight-knit group, apparently see keeping in touch as a one-way street, i.e. with me being the only mobile vehicle on the road. And so my friends have become my extended family. As I learned to see things in a new light, to think and discern, and to understand, the more I failed to comprehend. And I was okay with that.
I think a close friend of mine could not have put it more succinctly when she said, it's really sad that we can no longer relate to certain members of the family on the same level. I remember my freshman year English professor, Dr. Tony Ferrer, discussed this very same concept with us during one of our classes. We read this selection from the compilation of a poor boy from the province who was besotted with a girl from one of the influential families in their province. Her family didn't approve, and the girl also looked down on him as he was poor. The smart boy he was, he was able to pursue his studies as a scholar at a prestigious university. When he graduated, he went home to pursue the girl, but found that he could not relate to her intellectually.
It's not that we intend to belittle certain members of the family, but sometimes, they can be very touchy and overly and unecessarily sensitive about certain things, and just telling them about our day somehow gets interpreted as looking down on someone. Mob mentality adds insult to injury. All I can say is first of all, I am a long shot from being rich. I get by, that's all. I try to save and to be financially responsible, but that's it. I try to help out the best I can with what little I have, but I guess sometimes people take it the wrong way. Yes, I'm also entitled to get irritated, and to get mad. I don't think it's a character flaw on my part that I clam up and keep to myself when I'm irritable, irritated or annoyed. I try my best not to let my emotions get in the way so I don't say or do things fueled by fleeting anger. That's how my mom raised me, and that's how I am. I was trained not to shout, to throw a tantrum or even to cry in public. My mom underscored the importance of keeping one's emotions in check especially when in the presence of other people, and never to exhibit signs of anger or sadness in public just to attract attention to oneself. When I was a kid, if I wasn't in the best of moods, I was told to go to my room and resurface when I no longer felt like dealing with the world like an asshole, although of course not in those words. My mom said, for instance, that if I really wanted to cry, then I should do it in the privacy of my room, and when I was done, to wash my face and come out presentable. She lived what she preached too. In the short span of time I spent with my mom, I never once saw her lose her cool in public.
All that having been said, I am blessed to have mended my relationship with my dad, and to have reconnected with Tita Susan. While I have drifted apart from certain members of the family due to fundamental differences, I have also learned to understand and to see others in a new light. There are certain things that my sixteen-year-old self could not comprehend. What I saw as character flaws when I was younger, I now recognize to be simple personal quirks, which, if I may say so, are actually kind of cute.
And that, my dear friends, is the overly abbreviated version of the adventure, the pain, the excitement, the thrill, and the challenge of my experience of growing up. And the fact that I'm still sane and able to process and comprehend all these things in my own way in spite of everything is precisely why I am thankful to the Ateneo.
Weddings and holidays
Christmas somehow tends to bring out the best and the worst that Manila has to offer. On one hand, the temperature drops, and the normally searing heat of urban decay becomes more bearable. Christmas trees, lights, Santa figures and sleighs come out, and carols play everywhere. The spirit of Christmas even makes work seem more enjoyable than usual. On the other hand, traffic comes to a virtual standstill with the deluge of millions of shoppers rushing to meet their self-imposed deadlines. Today, for instance, it took us more than two hours to get from Padre Faura to Kalayaan in Quezon City. Que perdido de tiempo.
The flipside of the horrible horrible holiday traffic is I got to spend time with two of my favorite people in the world: Chi and Ngangi. (Uuuuy flattered! May bayad na 'to ha.) I'm oddly relieved they're both moving back to Manila after something like three years in Singapore. These two gremlins are like sisters to me, and I'm really happy they're back. Ngangi now has a place of her own, although it's not yet fully paid, and is now vice president (Ngangs, pinagkakalat ko na ha.) of one of the biggest BPO's here. Galing, diba? I'm so happy for her. She deserves everything she's accomplished. (Clap clap clap.)
I met Ngangi the summer before my sophomore year in college, and she was in the AJSS program at the Ateneo. She took over Tanya's corner for the summer, and I was equally shocked and impressed to see someone reading the classics for fun. A year later, Ngangi moved into Eliazo and became a regular visitor in Room 305, then in Unit 403 at that little hole in the wall behind Pizza Hut that we rented for a year, then Unit 615 in Prince David. I saw her struggle to find her sea legs in her first few years out of college. I saw her scared and heartbroken, and stressed over her move to Singapore. Well, Ngangi and Buyang are back, and they now have a home to call their own.
As for Chi, well. What can I say. First, she's insane. Second, she's gotten me into trouble so many times. Third, she's seen me through my innumerable life crises and mood swings, and we're still friends. One simply cannot put a price tag on a friendship that has survived having to clean up someone else's puke, with Carmi and I passed out drunk and involuntarily puking on ourselves on the floor of Tanya's condo after having shared an entire bottle of tequila. I don't think any of us have ever even considered eating Chicharitos after THAT episode.
I remember this conversation we had in a cab on our way back home from Eastwood a few years back. We said, the best thing about our friendship is we never feel compelled to talk. It's such a shame we lost touch with Tanya and Carmi after college. I'm really happy though that in the midst of kicking unwanted roommates and bouts of family drama, Chi and I are still friends.
A few hours from now, we'll be hosting Chi's bachelorette party, a little less than two weeks before the big wedding. I generally don't believe in marriage, but I think this one will be different. This one will most definitely work. I don't think I've seen two people more perfect for each other. And of all the weddings I've been to, this is the one I'm most proud to be part of. Maybe it's because both these crazy kids are good friends of mine, and despite what other people may say, they're both good people, and I know for a fact that they really sincerely love each other. Of course I'm extremely biased, because I've been rooting for these crazy kids from day one. =p
So anyway, have to go sleep now. My errand list this month just keeps on growing.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Weddings and unrelated nostalgia
My best friend from high school got married yesterday. Aside from the obvious stress of being a bridesmaid, what kept nagging me were, one, the expected awkwardness when I ran into old friends, teachers, neighbors, acquaintances and whatnot, and two, and the palpable excitement at the prospect of catching up with them.
When I left Lipa in 1999 and started my first year of college at the Ateneo, I was sixteen; in hindsight, no more than a child, albeit with a bit more baggage than most. It was the happiest day of my life in six years. Finally, I was free. Finally, I was out from under my father's roof, and though I was a minor and under his protection and control, I had what, to my sixteen-year-old self, seemed like the culmination of six years' worth of tear-filled heartfelt pleas to a higher form of life, to an unseen deity, to get me out of there.
My mom had died under suspicious circumstances six years earlier, and my brother and I had been left with our least favorite parent by default. Even without the egging proof of my father's relatives' involvement in my mom's death, we hated them. In fact, to this day, I still refer to them as just that: my father's relatives. They were mean, in fact downright hateful, and at some point, to my mom, utterly criminal. We begged and begged to be sent to live in Baguio with my mom's family, but to no avail. We got a few weeks in the summer, and if we we pestered my dad enough, we got a few days around the semestral break. The rest of the year, we counted days to our next escape. Those days were occupied primarily by school, to which I devoted my entire childhood. It was key to breaking myself out of jail, and I worked and slaved at it day and night until I finished high school.
Aside from the rigors of matriculation and extracurricular activities, there were the daily doses of stress that living in a rather large clan who lived in adjacent houses in the province brought about. People walked in and out of the house at random intervals, borrowing a plate here, a glass there, raiding the fridge of what little it contained. We ran out of glasses, china and silver at multiple points because those who "borrowed" never bothered to return them. Not even when we were served at their houses with the same objects we knew were ours.
Oh, and we got dragged to endless "family" events. The 100th birthday of a distant uncle who, to this day, I have no idea how we were related to. The much-anticipated fiestas. Random birthdays. People passing licensure exams. There, we would have to plaster fake smiles on our faces at random strangers who were introduced as Tia this or Tio that. We had to raise the back of their hands to our foreheads in the mano, which my mom's family, who'd we'd grown up with prior to her death, did not practice. I always found the gesture odd. I was more comfortable with the single hug and peck on the cheek I'd been accustomed to. But then again, I had no intention of hugging and kissing random strangers, related or not, so I stuck to tradition and did the whole mano thing a hundred times over. I reluctantly picked out a few dishes to stuff my plate with and sat down in the farthest corner, away from prying eyes and the neighborhood chismosas, who would scan everyone for something worth gossiping about. I'd wait until it was time to leave. I'd trace cracks in the floor, in the ceiling, or focus my attention on a random detail in the room, working out the details. I'd play with numbers or letters in my head. Anything to pass the time.
That was the easy part.
The hardest part was always having to talk to them. We had nothing in common. And I had not developed my knack for making smalltalk with random strangers. My dad's nuclear family and their respective nuclear families, are a notch above the rest. In fact, I believe I may be generalizing based on the model of their existence. I remember the day of my dad's wedding to my stepmom, she sat me down at my paternal grandmother's house, and asked me to give my paternal side a chance, to get to know them. I looked at her and said blankly, “No. I didn't like them when I was a child. And I do not like them now. I see no need to change that.”
But I digress.
The idea of college as an escape had been planted my brain by my maternal family, as a beacon of hope in those days when I really did hate my life. My relationship with my dad has mended itself over the years, but we do not share the warm close relationship that my friends do with their dads. When I was younger, I used to loathe him silly, call him the evil engineer (because he's a civil engineer). My mom was a very warm, caring, and eloquently affectionate person. That's what we were used to. When she died suddenly one Thursday morning, we were thrust into this alien world where we got no hugs. We got no kisses. We got a verbal beating when our grades dropped a point. We were on an assembly line headed for insanity. All day everyday we were compared to his friends' children, who, he said, at our age, could run a household by themselves. At that point, I couldn't even sweep a floor properly. I had just turned nine, and using the rice cooker was a great achievement for me.
And thus I learned to despise the accent, the manner of speaking, the way they dressed, how the looked, and how they smelled. Life there was a long battle with chronic stress and those random incidents that manage to drop in along the way. I think I only got through it because I chose my friends well. And I had adults who probably saw through what was going on and took me under their wing. Aside from my maternal family, which had not yet thoroughly degenerated at that point, from gradeschool, I had Dianne, and at some point, Lira. My childhood mentors, Sands' aunt, Teacher Susan, Teacher Aileen, Teacher Myrna, to name a few. It was a small town. Word got around. They knew my life inside and out, and didn't judge me for it. Come high school, I met Sands, Kiel, Ate Karen, and the rest of my high school barkada (including Dianne). On an intellectual level, Sir Torrecampo was the best, but Ma'am Latay has always been a cut above the rest. Maybe it was because she was my English teacher, and I took my essays and short stories to heart. I took every assignment seriously, and every piece was a part of me. These people made an unbearable childhood enjoyable. They got me through the worst part, and made me smile through it.
The day I graduated, I remember my high school world history teacher, Sir Torrecampo, tell us to look around the room at the people seated next to us, as that would probably be the last time we would see each other. At that time, I shook my head and smiled, thinking to myself that incredulous to think so. Well, here I am eleven years later, to attest to the hyperbolic truth.
Over the years, I've fallen out of touch with most of the people I owe my relative sanity to. I see Sands every two months or so. I see Kiel about twice a year. Before last night, I hadn't seen Ma'am Latay, Dianne, and my high school barkada since, well, high school. Teacher Susan I hadn't seen or talked to for so long I can't even recall the last time.
While it pains me to realize that when I sought the escape hatch to Ateneo, I left so many people behind. Looking back though, I see why I had to do it. And I would do it again. I had to leave Lipa to pursue a higher education, to learn to forget as a precursor to eventual forgiveness, and to mend my relationship with my dad. College and succeeding years bore a myriad of other different dilemmas of another nature, but those years also brought about another set of friends I am very blessed to have.
I still do not feel comfortable spending extended periods of time in Lipa because of the innumerable bad memories that plague my association with the city. But there may well be hope for us yet. As for the manangs with their apple-cut hair though, nah, probably not.
When I left Lipa in 1999 and started my first year of college at the Ateneo, I was sixteen; in hindsight, no more than a child, albeit with a bit more baggage than most. It was the happiest day of my life in six years. Finally, I was free. Finally, I was out from under my father's roof, and though I was a minor and under his protection and control, I had what, to my sixteen-year-old self, seemed like the culmination of six years' worth of tear-filled heartfelt pleas to a higher form of life, to an unseen deity, to get me out of there.
My mom had died under suspicious circumstances six years earlier, and my brother and I had been left with our least favorite parent by default. Even without the egging proof of my father's relatives' involvement in my mom's death, we hated them. In fact, to this day, I still refer to them as just that: my father's relatives. They were mean, in fact downright hateful, and at some point, to my mom, utterly criminal. We begged and begged to be sent to live in Baguio with my mom's family, but to no avail. We got a few weeks in the summer, and if we we pestered my dad enough, we got a few days around the semestral break. The rest of the year, we counted days to our next escape. Those days were occupied primarily by school, to which I devoted my entire childhood. It was key to breaking myself out of jail, and I worked and slaved at it day and night until I finished high school.
Aside from the rigors of matriculation and extracurricular activities, there were the daily doses of stress that living in a rather large clan who lived in adjacent houses in the province brought about. People walked in and out of the house at random intervals, borrowing a plate here, a glass there, raiding the fridge of what little it contained. We ran out of glasses, china and silver at multiple points because those who "borrowed" never bothered to return them. Not even when we were served at their houses with the same objects we knew were ours.
Oh, and we got dragged to endless "family" events. The 100th birthday of a distant uncle who, to this day, I have no idea how we were related to. The much-anticipated fiestas. Random birthdays. People passing licensure exams. There, we would have to plaster fake smiles on our faces at random strangers who were introduced as Tia this or Tio that. We had to raise the back of their hands to our foreheads in the mano, which my mom's family, who'd we'd grown up with prior to her death, did not practice. I always found the gesture odd. I was more comfortable with the single hug and peck on the cheek I'd been accustomed to. But then again, I had no intention of hugging and kissing random strangers, related or not, so I stuck to tradition and did the whole mano thing a hundred times over. I reluctantly picked out a few dishes to stuff my plate with and sat down in the farthest corner, away from prying eyes and the neighborhood chismosas, who would scan everyone for something worth gossiping about. I'd wait until it was time to leave. I'd trace cracks in the floor, in the ceiling, or focus my attention on a random detail in the room, working out the details. I'd play with numbers or letters in my head. Anything to pass the time.
That was the easy part.
The hardest part was always having to talk to them. We had nothing in common. And I had not developed my knack for making smalltalk with random strangers. My dad's nuclear family and their respective nuclear families, are a notch above the rest. In fact, I believe I may be generalizing based on the model of their existence. I remember the day of my dad's wedding to my stepmom, she sat me down at my paternal grandmother's house, and asked me to give my paternal side a chance, to get to know them. I looked at her and said blankly, “No. I didn't like them when I was a child. And I do not like them now. I see no need to change that.”
But I digress.
The idea of college as an escape had been planted my brain by my maternal family, as a beacon of hope in those days when I really did hate my life. My relationship with my dad has mended itself over the years, but we do not share the warm close relationship that my friends do with their dads. When I was younger, I used to loathe him silly, call him the evil engineer (because he's a civil engineer). My mom was a very warm, caring, and eloquently affectionate person. That's what we were used to. When she died suddenly one Thursday morning, we were thrust into this alien world where we got no hugs. We got no kisses. We got a verbal beating when our grades dropped a point. We were on an assembly line headed for insanity. All day everyday we were compared to his friends' children, who, he said, at our age, could run a household by themselves. At that point, I couldn't even sweep a floor properly. I had just turned nine, and using the rice cooker was a great achievement for me.
And thus I learned to despise the accent, the manner of speaking, the way they dressed, how the looked, and how they smelled. Life there was a long battle with chronic stress and those random incidents that manage to drop in along the way. I think I only got through it because I chose my friends well. And I had adults who probably saw through what was going on and took me under their wing. Aside from my maternal family, which had not yet thoroughly degenerated at that point, from gradeschool, I had Dianne, and at some point, Lira. My childhood mentors, Sands' aunt, Teacher Susan, Teacher Aileen, Teacher Myrna, to name a few. It was a small town. Word got around. They knew my life inside and out, and didn't judge me for it. Come high school, I met Sands, Kiel, Ate Karen, and the rest of my high school barkada (including Dianne). On an intellectual level, Sir Torrecampo was the best, but Ma'am Latay has always been a cut above the rest. Maybe it was because she was my English teacher, and I took my essays and short stories to heart. I took every assignment seriously, and every piece was a part of me. These people made an unbearable childhood enjoyable. They got me through the worst part, and made me smile through it.
The day I graduated, I remember my high school world history teacher, Sir Torrecampo, tell us to look around the room at the people seated next to us, as that would probably be the last time we would see each other. At that time, I shook my head and smiled, thinking to myself that incredulous to think so. Well, here I am eleven years later, to attest to the hyperbolic truth.
Over the years, I've fallen out of touch with most of the people I owe my relative sanity to. I see Sands every two months or so. I see Kiel about twice a year. Before last night, I hadn't seen Ma'am Latay, Dianne, and my high school barkada since, well, high school. Teacher Susan I hadn't seen or talked to for so long I can't even recall the last time.
While it pains me to realize that when I sought the escape hatch to Ateneo, I left so many people behind. Looking back though, I see why I had to do it. And I would do it again. I had to leave Lipa to pursue a higher education, to learn to forget as a precursor to eventual forgiveness, and to mend my relationship with my dad. College and succeeding years bore a myriad of other different dilemmas of another nature, but those years also brought about another set of friends I am very blessed to have.
I still do not feel comfortable spending extended periods of time in Lipa because of the innumerable bad memories that plague my association with the city. But there may well be hope for us yet. As for the manangs with their apple-cut hair though, nah, probably not.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Back online.
So after 10 million years, I'm finally back online. I just got a netbook earlier tonight. I'm actually saving up for a Mac, but since my life is in dire need of a technological boost, I decided to get a netbook to tide me over. So I took Punch's advice. At least when I get a Macbook, I'll have this netbook for travel or whatever, and the Macbook can be my desktop replacement at home. Better than having two notebooks, right? And I love my little Acer. Reminds me of my old little Acer, the one that I used all throughout law school. That little guy was pretty sturdy. It's still alive actually, but I don't use it anymore because the resolution's so bad, and it runs on Windows 98. So anyway, I hope this one lives a long and fruitful life.
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