I swear to God, the Bar is an annual tradition of torturing ALL law students in general, not just the ones taking the Bar. I'd much rather do a million BarOps shifts than be the one taking the Bar though. Thank God it's over. I don't have to see Sheraton until next year. Yahoo!
Anyhoo, Saturday was so not what I expected it to be. Bad news just keeps on coming like there's no tomorrow. And I'm not talking about THAT unfortunate incident. This is something else. See, I'm stuck in my godforsaken rut again.
Some people never change talaga no matter how much I'd like to think they have, or that they even can. It SO does not pay to be idealistic. (Yeah baby, bring on the angst!!!) Gawd, it sucks to be me sometimes. Seems I was wrong about a lot of things, and a lot of people. I'm generally a pretty good judge of character, see. Seems I was wrong about that as well. At least three things turned out WAY different from how I would've liked them to. The world is against me. =(
I firmly resolve at this point that I will quit all this crap about that shithead. He will never change. I should have learned that a long time ago. Well, I did, actually. It's just that I'd still like to believe that somewhere deep, REALLY deep down in his soul, he's still the good person and the friend I thought he was. (Gawd, this is so f-ing melodramatic.) I don't know what's happening na talaga. I could jump to all these conclusions about what brought about this uber unfortunate chain of events, but I hesitate because I really don't want to start thinking so much about it, promising myself so many things then end up breaking them and recanting all my self-proclaimed truths. Ack!
Hay... Just to highlight how cruel the world is being to me, a few nights ago, I sent out a text message to all my close friends and family. Um, hello, it was so not a depressing message. I thought it was actually funny. And my cousin Shirley thought so too. My dad and my stepmom didn't even consider it halfway sad to even bother to reply. But lo and behold, my favorite uncle called me up around 4 in the morning to check if I was ok. I was really touched by the gesture, but I found myself wondering if it was really all that disturbing. And then the tears came and I couldn't stop crying til sunrise. I ended up realizing how much I miss my family and all the people who have ever meant anything to me. I cried myself to sleep that night. When I woke up the next morning, er, afternoon, I was still feeling bad. And my eyes were swollen like melons. I didn't want to go to school like that, so as was my habit, I cut class. When Chi and Ngangi came home, both of them asked me if I had been crying, as my eyes were really swollen. I made up this lame excuse about not being able to sleep (which was true, of course) and allergy attacks, which I did get the day before. Lucky for me, both of them bought it. I still haven't told them the truth. Apparently, Chi heard me sniffling but she was feeling bad as well.
I don't know what went wrong, what I did wrong, or where I went wrong, but everything seems to be militating towards a not so encouraging future. I've been rethinking my entire life plan for fear that something got screwed up somewhere along the line and I'll end up penniless on the street or worse, Gawd, I don't even want to consider the possibility.
I really need a good cheering up. The world has not been very kind to me lately.
1. People change. All the time. Yet there will always be a part of them that do not and will not. It's just a matter of accepting the whole person and his/her persona - whether that person's a friend or otherwise.
ReplyDelete2. Everything's gonna turn out fine. 'Fine' may not be great or perfect, but 'fine' is real. And real is always better than fake and illusion.
3. Dreams and plans get f*cked up every now and then, by you and/or by other people. When they do, you just make better ones, from scratch or from what's left of those dreams and plans. It's just a cycle - creative destruction.
4. Smile Ü